The People
Rob “Man Cub” Haggis
Rob was born with face of a goat. The beatings he’s taken over the years have rendered his goat features completely unrecognisable, to the point where he now looks like he has the face of a man.
Matthew “Dolphin Pimp” Mc L
Matt used to dance professionally in the Moscow Royal Ballet, but after the infamous “Lamb Shank incident” he had to quit. He now trains bears in Siberia. The bears call him “Papa”.
Philkins “No Phil” Gray
Phil recently changed his name by deed poll to Philkins, took up a career as a professional drinker and developed his famed right hook for dealing with anyone who denys him alcohol or for beating women should they not wish to come home with him.
Albs “Say Dwoo” Gray
Albs will give you a cigarette, but only if you ask for a dwoo. Or a durrey.
Stephen “Disco” Mitchell
Stephen likes to dance. And likes “lovely lovely sambuca”.
Mike “Danger” Haggis
Mike grew up fighting tigers for a living. Danger is his middle name.
Tim “Albion” Chap
Tim is trying to break the world record for being the old person alive. So far he feels the attempt is going well.
Alexandross “Stavross” Grammenos
Stav until recently was a member of the Greek army and guarded national treasures such as the original recording of Zorba the Greek. He was trained to kill the evil Turks that stole his countries kebab recipe.
Matthew “Chocolate Monk” Bowles
Matthew was sent back from the future to stop “Home Alone 3″ from being made. He failed. Matt will be taking part in the drinking part of the rally, not the driving. His mum is going to come along and drive for him.
Sanjit “Bingo” Atwal
Sanjit played the title roll in the hit movie “Billy Elliot”.
Samuel “Judo chop” Hearn
Is a member of the Japanese criminal organisation, the Yakuza. He has a driving license.
Dave “Biscuit” Brown
Had the world’s first successful hair transplant. He also likes biscuits.
Steve “Fingers” Powell
Steve was the worlds most successful hand model in the late ninties. His career was tragically cut short when a Spanish midget named Manuel bit his finger in a bar fight.
Andrew “Grief” Knot
In 1972 Andrew was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn’t commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, beat him relentlessly.
James “the Ox” Sawyer
James is a professional speed eater and holds the current world records for most jammie dodgers consumed in 1 minute (34 jammie dodgers) and most packets of walkers crisps eaten within 24 hours (433 packets all salt and vinegar), a record previously held by long time walkers fanatic Gary Lineker.